Groovy McDoobanschnowser, Bassist for Deathcryptopia FIRED!!!
Monday 21 June 2059 14485 Shares
Groovy McDoobanschnowser has filed a lawsuit against his former bandmates in Deathcryptopia for unlawful termination citing he never got the chance to explain his side of things before they cut the cord, so to speak. Named in the lawsuit are the band’s leaders Air-iK and Garrgoyle who some say are the Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons of Black Metal. No wait, the John Lennon and Paul McCartney of Black Metal. No wait…Sorry this reporter got carried away. We chose to not print their real names…ok. Screw it! Their real names are Erik Fullmer (Air-Ik) and Robert Garr (Garrgoyle) … (I see what you did there, Bob)
Deathcryptopia decided to part ways with their bass player Groovy McDoobanschnowser due to recent events after a video surfaced on Twitter of the bassist appearing to be masterrrbating onto a Whopper in the parking lot of Burger King in Los Angeles California. Some witnesses are saying it was a Whopper Jr and are now calling ‘Groovy a peeeedo. Groovy insists that not only was it a regular sized Whopper but that he was not masterrrbating what so ever. He stated that he had to take a piss and he admits to having a few beers prior to ordering his food, so as he was peeing, he held his schlong in one hand and the Whopper in the other near his heat stroking moisture missile. Groovy says he was shaking his danger noodle and admits it was a bit close to his hamburger but he was a bit drunk and some piss probably flew onto the burger and he knows this because he felt some droplets fall on the hand holding the burger. “I swear though, as drunk as I was no way was I gonna’ eat that Whopper!” says McDoobanschnowser. The person that filmed this on their cell phone and released it on Twitter declined to speak to us but did release a statement on Twitter saying “I feel bad for the guy. I mean he only did what any red blooded American would do, right? I mean how lucky was I to be in the right place at the right time? I always wanted a video to go viral but I never imagined the magnitude of damage it could do to the other person. I would like to sincerely apologize to Groovy McDoobanschnowser, but if that was a Whopper Jr then [expletive] you!!!” We chose to not print this person’s name…ok the person’s Twitter handle is Devious4Dollars. We reached out to Burger King’s CEO to ask him if this is the kind of publicity he likes to see for the brand. He declined to comment. Both Air-Ik and Garrgoyle declined our interview as well. WTF?!?!